A poly Journal Entry

Rewind:

Several years ago, B and our group of friends went to see Turquoise Jeep. His friend, J, happened to be at the concert, and he was visiting home from Korea where he was stationed.

2 days later

B and I are chatting about the situation more and some other personal stuff, and I told him about how I had to break it off with my old boyfriend D, cause I caught him smoking (he’d been making me sick), and B tells me he just realized that P still smokes and did so while he was at her house (odd that it’s coming up now) and I had to remind B that smoking is my hard limit and there’s no way that I could have him dating someone who smokes. He said that he also didn’t want that, and remembered that his ex wife smoked and what that was like (specifically them kissing, this is important later).

Then came the guilt.

I started hardcore kicking myself because I couldn’t help the situation. Not only do I get trauma and anxiety triggered by my PTSD around the smell of smoke, but I also get incredibly sick, to the point I can’t even have people hang their smoky coats near mine. I get sinus infections, bronchitis, laryngitis and then pneumonia. I had to leave my band over it, and I have scar tissue in my vocal chords from it. My doctor said I have to stay away.

Tuesday.

All of this time, B did not tell me that it wasn’t just flirting and expression of interest. There had been at least a kiss.

Trust.

It’s going to be hard for me to trust B right now. I know that he wanted to fix things and he got caught up, but leaving out the fact that he kissed her AND potentially could have made me sick just makes me feel like pure worthless garbage. Having anyone lie to me or omit truth is basically the way to make me lose it. I do pretty well most of the time, but it’s a major trigger after having someone manipulate and gaslight me for years while they took advantage of my agoraphobia.

Now.

I have issues with trauma and not remembering the details of things, so I wanted to get this down. I’ve been lied to and used for most of my life, by most of the people I know.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store
Belinda Short

Belinda Short

39 Followers

I stream art and singing. I write sometimes, rants go here.